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You could say I'm in a funk.

Can I be honest here? Oh ya, I guess I can...it's my blog and all.

Since Atlantis made her final journey home two weeks ago, I have been thinking a lot about my dream. You know, that astronaut one?

It's so hard to put into words exactly how I feel, and I'm certain anyone reading this will probably think I am a nut case for being so upset. The truth is, I am completely heart broken.

As I continue reaching for that decades-old dream, I am being confronted with more and more setbacks, mostly related to that pesky little bugger, Diabetes. And as I try to leap forward, all I feel is pushed back, unwanted, labeled, "diseased".

And sometimes, that word "diseased" is so absolutely hard to stomach.

It wasn't my fault, I did nothing to cause my pancreas to spontaneously shut down.
All I did was have a dream, and work hard towards a path where achieving it might be possible.

But as I become more of an adult and less of a naive grade school, high school and college student, the stigma of having Diabetes slaps me in the face on a weekly basis. I have to plan time off work to get the specialized care required, I am constantly on the phone with my insurance company negotiating prescriptions, pizza and beer require a full day of insulin corrections to get back to normal, and there is nothing "routine" about "routine exercise". I am constantly chasing the D-monster, more reacting than acting. And every time my blood sugar isn't perfect, the only person I have to blame is me. Kinda depressing, huh? Beyond all that, it is sickening to prove I am capable of driving a car every two years, and the mountains of paperwork required to do my job and fly in the back of a helicopter is, at times, completely overwhelming.

Will any of this ever be worth it?

Past working hard and trying to turn a blind eye to the almost inevitable reality, all I can do is hope. In the end, hope will probably not be enough to earn me a slot aboard America's next great spacecraft...and the reality of that is, like I said, heart breaking.

And while I wouldn't wish this terrible disease on anyone, I sometimes catch myself wondering why it had to choose me...why not someone whose job did not depend on their health, someone stronger than me? How could one day of a diagnosis take away your freedom and your life's dream while requiring shots and finger sticks multiple times a day? It's not fair.

Comments

  1. It's not fair at all! Especially when you feel like it's getting in the way of your dreams...and future. I admire your persistence though. And I think it's worth it to keep trying, to keep putting yourself out there, to keep hoping.

    ReplyDelete
  2. When I heard about the space plan from Obama, I thought of you. My heart broke for you. I know it must be hard to hear, but hopefully they will work something out. I know how hard D can be, just hang in there. I know it's not the best advice, but know at least you are not alone in your struggles.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You absolutely should *not* blame yourself for high blood glucose readings. You didn't do it on purpose... you didn't cause it to happen through negligence... They happen; that's what diabetes is. If we could control our BGs effortlessly, we would.

    I know diabetes sucks, but keep hope alive.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AS Steve says...something like "grace and perserverence see you through the valley...it is HOPE that gets you up the mountain"

    HOPE dear friend...HOPE. My Joe wants to play for the NHL. I hope that he can do it...it would have been improbable without "D"...with "D"...well, I am "HOPING"

    Love you.

    ReplyDelete

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