Skip to main content

Anxiety: I haz it [sometimes]

I am nervous to admit this to my reader population, especially since I work with some of you, I am related to some of you, and I am engaged to one of you. Since moving to Huntsville I have experienced some wicked anxiety. And I'm sure ya'll are thinking, "Sure, she moved away from home...like FAR away from home". But it's really so much more than that. My life has completely changed. I am hardly the April of 2 years ago. Hopefully I am a better version, but maybe not completely.

And this whole anxiety issue has crept up and dispersed throughout most of my daily activities. Let me be the first to admit...it is absolutely horrible. I am always nervous about what I say and what I do and how people will judge me. My mind's default phrase has been "what if?" and now I have even bigger what ifs...like...

What if I'm a terrible wife?
What if I'm a terrible mom?
What if I can't even be a mom?
And of course, the THOUGHT: what if my child gets Diabetes?

Oh boy, these are some hard questions to answer for a recently engaged, 20-something woman. These questions go beyond my deepest passion, beyond the astronaut quest, beyond my career goals. These questions really are the foundations of my life.

Of course, these questions and thoughts come in cycles...and recently, while in Colorado for work, I had a complete question crop-up. I decided to text Chris [I would have called, but he was celebrating his last final at Planet of the Apes....awkward, I know].

And a slight disclaimer...Chris will probably be really embarrassed that I published his sweet talks, but I think they really show how much he builds me up when I am super down about almighty D.

Me: Do you ever wish you were engaged to a normal girl...I mean like one without Diabetes?
Chris: No. You are all I ever dreamed of and so much more...
Me: I'm just so nervous...what if we can't have kids...or what if we can, but they get Diabetes?
Chris: Haha...don't worry! We can adopt. And Diabetes isn't genetic.
Me: I know, but I don't want anyone else to have it.
Chris: Haha. You're a spotlight in the D world. You are one of the few Diabetics that didn't take no for an answer. I think we would be lucky if our kid has Diabetes. You're the best support team ever!!

And just like that, my quick spurt of anxiety was gone, completely dissipated. The truth is, I am one lucky girl; a girl who needs help and gets it, from the best person in the world.

Comments

  1. This is one beautiful story that brought that tight feeling to the back of my throat. The feeling that acts as a suction cup for ... tears

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Who has two thumbs and loves comments? Nerdy April!!! Type one out and hit publish!

Popular posts from this blog

The road to curing Type 1 Diabetes

From the moment of diagnosis, the road is rough, the learning curve is steep and the stakes are literally life or death. The map is less-than-helpful - paths originating from virtually every corner, coalescing at a center point (aka "diagnosis") and bursting back outwards - some paths cross and wrap around each other but others are isolated. And even with all of these roads, most of the territory is uncharted - how did we all get here and how will we all exit? Where are the obstacles we haven't found yet? Which passage holds the key to unlocking the solution?

On any given day I feel pretty isolated with this disease - I'm the only T1D in my group at work, the only one in mission control, the only one in my family. I go through the logistics of calling insurance companies, ordering supplies, changing sites and troubleshooting malfunctions mostly on my own. Even those pesky carbs really only get counted in my brain, no group think for a meal bolus here. But there is b…

Hot OJT

Last week I had the chance to mentor a newly certified ADCO trainee - the NASA process is called "Hot On-The-Job-Training", or Hot OJT. What makes it "hot" you ask? Well, essentially I am hands off - he is sitting at the console, working all the plan reviews and updates, making calls to other flight controllers and to the flight director, reacting to anomalies and preparing material for the shift handover. My job is to act as the fault tolerance - a backup ADCO of sorts.

Tuesday was his last official day and by Wednesday morning he was in the backroom sending commands to ISS in preparation for the docking of a three-person Soyuz.


The beauty of this system is the gradual buildup in responsibility. There is a subtle shift from student, to subject matter expert, to fresh operations trainee to advanced trainee and finally to certification and real-time operations flight controller - the process takes two years on average and is considered by many to be enough specializ…

Dolla-betes

Healthcare is such a tricky subject. Ironically, it seems the conversation has shifted away from health CARE in favor of divisive politics with a healthy side of cash. But I'm here to tell you there are real people dealing with real diseases behind all those numbers. And with a laser focus on the rising cost of insulin lately and advocacy groups like #insulin4all making waves, it prompted me to take a look at my own T1D cost breakdown.

**Please keep in mind I have (pretty good!) private insurance through my husband's employer and our income allows us to absorb these costs without pinching too many pennies. We have also been graced with good health (diabetes notwithstanding) and rarely order any prescriptions outside of those for my T1D. But its clear only a slight shift in this delicate equation can make for a dire situation.

Here's what my out-of-pocket looks like to cover type 1 diabetes annually:


The numbers above reflect simply the "baseline operating costs"…
01 09 10