Saturday, August 27, 2011

Anxiety: I haz it [sometimes]

I am nervous to admit this to my reader population, especially since I work with some of you, I am related to some of you, and I am engaged to one of you. Since moving to Huntsville I have experienced some wicked anxiety. And I'm sure ya'll are thinking, "Sure, she moved away from home...like FAR away from home". But it's really so much more than that. My life has completely changed. I am hardly the April of 2 years ago. Hopefully I am a better version, but maybe not completely.

And this whole anxiety issue has crept up and dispersed throughout most of my daily activities. Let me be the first to admit...it is absolutely horrible. I am always nervous about what I say and what I do and how people will judge me. My mind's default phrase has been "what if?" and now I have even bigger what ifs...like...

What if I'm a terrible wife?
What if I'm a terrible mom?
What if I can't even be a mom?
And of course, the THOUGHT: what if my child gets Diabetes?

Oh boy, these are some hard questions to answer for a recently engaged, 20-something woman. These questions go beyond my deepest passion, beyond the astronaut quest, beyond my career goals. These questions really are the foundations of my life.

Of course, these questions and thoughts come in cycles...and recently, while in Colorado for work, I had a complete question crop-up. I decided to text Chris [I would have called, but he was celebrating his last final at Planet of the Apes....awkward, I know].

And a slight disclaimer...Chris will probably be really embarrassed that I published his sweet talks, but I think they really show how much he builds me up when I am super down about almighty D.

Me: Do you ever wish you were engaged to a normal girl...I mean like one without Diabetes?
Chris: No. You are all I ever dreamed of and so much more...
Me: I'm just so nervous...what if we can't have kids...or what if we can, but they get Diabetes?
Chris: Haha...don't worry! We can adopt. And Diabetes isn't genetic.
Me: I know, but I don't want anyone else to have it.
Chris: Haha. You're a spotlight in the D world. You are one of the few Diabetics that didn't take no for an answer. I think we would be lucky if our kid has Diabetes. You're the best support team ever!!

And just like that, my quick spurt of anxiety was gone, completely dissipated. The truth is, I am one lucky girl; a girl who needs help and gets it, from the best person in the world.