Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Just when you think you are doing better....

The now-classic Waiting Room picture
Today, like most days I visit the Endocrinologist, I cried.

It was a build-up of sorts...first, I waited over an hour past my appointment time (grrrrrr) in a waiting room where I'm sure the person with the next closest age was at least 40 years older than me (am I in my "about to die" stage where I head over to the "Diabeeetttus" doctor?....stop thinking these things, April), then they didn't have any of those little things to stick in the A1c machine, meaning I didn't have one done (grrrr again, since I was thinking it may be down from last time), then I was basically told I am slowly dying, "So here's some cholesterol medication." Thanks douchebag, "Is there something else I can do....you know, more naturally?" "Nope, with the American diet today it would be extremely difficult." "Oh," I said, thinking to myself how I was going to go home and rip up the prescription paper. "And don't try to get pregnant while on it...you know, like 5 years from now." "Great", I thought, "I am definitely ripping up this prescription if I have to be on it the rest of my life." "Go get some more blood work in 4-6 weeks." Great, my favorite thing...blood work. Then I mentioned how much difficulty I have been having with reactions to the adhesive on my insulin pump sites...and he mentioned all of the things I have already tried, "Guess you should probably just go off the pump for a while." Again, thanks for giving up on me, that makes me feel awesome....

And after the teary-eyed walk back to my car, I just couldn't help it....I unlocked the car, fell into the driver's seat and pretty much bawled my eyes out. I was infuriated, humiliated, and just downright sad. And before I called the BF in mid-cry-fest-2011, I thought about how Diabetes doesn't just mean finger sticks and insulin pumps...it means, failure and guilt. It takes so much more than some quick carb counting and fancy number crunching...it takes tremendous amounts of courage and perseverance.

It's just so hard sometimes. And a lot of times it's hard in ways it shouldn't be.




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In a slightly un-related, yet slightly related topic, after the appointment I googled "How to be less emotional".....this guy's answer made me chuckle....